Soulmates

After a couple of unsuccessful relations, with greying hair at the age of 30, I had almost given up on love to come my way. This was India after-all where parents start planning their daughter's marriage the day they are born, and most girls get married right after or sometimes in between their studies. A few efforts at understanding the workings of arranged marriage had also left me convinced that this was not for me either. "How can you be sure that this is the person you want to be with all your life just after spending a few hours together", I asked numerous friends. With no satisfactory answer, I concluded that it was largely a leap of faith, something I was not prepared to take. I had never planned on being alone for life, but I was sure that I would rather be alone that being with the wrong person.

Just as I was preparing to settle alone, I met the one I had been waiting all my life in the most unlikely of places and circumstances. Love hit me as suddenly and as unexpectedly as a road accident. I couldn't believe my good stars, it was as if (picking up from Coelho) the whole universe conspired to make us meet. That unexpected turn off events, led to the best phase of my life. I couldn't be happier, I was walking on clouds. Everytime we met, I fell deeper in love. Each time, I went to saw her with a new excitement in my heart, and each time we parted, left an aching to see her again. And to know that the feeling was mutual, was so intoxicating.

We had a dream wedding. I had never been more sure about anything in my life than the fact that I wanted to marry her. I had always imagined my marriage to be a sorry affair for me, but never have I had a better time, because she was there with me. Never had I any doubt that we were meant to be together for life, we were soul-mates, incomplete without each other. The three months after the wedding were fairy. She was supposed to leave for her field-work and we were so greedy for each other. We wanted to spend as much time possible together, and we were literally lost in each other. Then she had to leave and it was ok, it was a temporary phase in our life that we knew will come. I was sure it was not going to effect our love in any way.

Just a few days back I had a horrifying thought, what if it was not meant to last. The thought rushed upon the floods of fights that we have been having lately. I never believed that we could really fight seriously over anything, we were so compatible, so right for each other. How can we have a disagreement over anything. Yet it seems that we have been fighting all the time for a few weeks. So was I mistaken about our being compatible, was I blinded by love.

I have so often heard about love marriages failing under the burden of heavy expectations. Lovers get married, lost in each other, and soon after marriage they feel things are completely different than before. They feel cheated, often blaming each other that they have changed, they dont love each other anymore. So is it really true, ofcourse not. The problem is that we are so intoxicated by the sensations that comes with new love that we never want to grow out of it. Life is always about change, so why do we want to resist it. Isn't it obvious that our life, relations, circumstances will change after marriage. So will our expression of love for each other. Yet often we hold onto old memories, and keep judging our love based on them.

Its difficult to control your emotions when you suddenly find yourself fighting. You feel hurt. You find yourself saying things that you dont really mean. You blame each other for crimes that you yourself are not convinced about. And if anyone really stops and look back at the reasons over which these fights start, you will get yourself laughing. Yes, grown ups can be such childish at times. In the end, the real reason is soon forgotten, and the fight becomes an ego clash, a test of who will hold on longer, who is stronger, who will surrender first. Yet, we forget that in the process all we are doing is hurting ourself and the person that we love most, all the time feeling miserable and waiting for it to be over.

I am guilty of the same ego clash. Every moment I spend fighting, not talking to her, I feel miserable. I cant think about anything else but trying to analyze why we have been fighting. I dont want to be the one to surrender first, yet every second I hope that this fight will be over soon, so I can be happy again. I want to justify that I was right throughout the fight, when the truth is that there was really no right or wrong. Deep down I know that I love her, and I want to be in her arms again, where I really belong. No way I can even think about a life without her, a single day without her is hell enough. Each moment I spend pretending that I am not talking to her, I am hoping that she will come and tell me how much she loves me. And at night as we lay away from each other, I am just waiting for her to come and hold me. I am sure she feels the same way. So how can we say that we dont love each other. This friend was telling me that if you are fighting it proves that you love each other, that you care about each other, because if you dont then you will let the things be. Ironical isnt it. Well if its true then certainly I hope that we continue loving and fighting, but i seriously want that we stop fighting for such long times, cause I feel cheated of times that I should be spending in her arms.

Lost in your thoughts

I often wonder if you are the most beautiful girl in the world. I remember looking at your face as you sat near me in the bus while coming from Gangotri. We had a fight the previous night and you had walked out in the morning. I was furious at you, determined never to speak to you again. I had stayed out of the bus for the full hour that it stayed at the bus stop. Once seated by your side, you were only a stranger to me. You were seated by the window and I was looking out your side, concentrating on the beautiful scenery, deliberately avoiding looking at you. Then I got a glimpse of you from the corner of my eyes and I was stuck. I couldn't look away. It was the most beautiful face in the world. The face of the person I loved. All my anger vanished in an instant. How could I be angry with this person I adore so much. All I wanted to do was to reach out and touch your face. You were staring out of the window, not really looking at anything. Your face was blank. Your eyes had a hint of pain. You were not smiling, and anyone who knows you, would know how unusual that is. I couldn't bear that sad look. I wanted to take you into my arms and tell you that I love you. That I could never remain angry with you for long, no matter what happened. But then what about you. Were you still as mad at me as in the morning when you had walked out leaving me alone. Your anger is like a wave. It rises in an instant getting bigger and bigger, but then it falls just as suddenly. But this time your temper had stayed for the whole night and in the morning it has surged to even greater heights. I couldn't believe it when you left. I couldn't believe anyone could do that specially you. And then waiting for you, I realized it was only you who could do it once the thought came to your mind. And what was going through your mind now. Were you contemplating your life without me. Was I an element of history for you now. Or were you feeling the same love that I felt for you at that instant. I didn't have it in me to bear any more rudeness from you, so I waited, stealing glances. Oh you looked so lovely. And then our eyes met, my heart skipped a bit. Your eyes went soft, and you leaned in towards me and whispered in my ears. You said you were sorry for being so rude. You touched both your ears with your hands and had the cutest of expressions on your face. How I loved you at that moment. And I knew no matter what you did, I would have a hard time staying mad at you. One look at you and I would melt like butter in a hot pot. But who is complaining if I have the most beautiful girl in the world by my side.

There are so many times when I have felt my heart forgetting to beat as I looked at you. The first time I remember was in that cave at Pindari while we sat side by side. I don't know if I realized it at that time but that must be the time when I fell in love with you. Ofcourse I had no idea if I would ever see you again, but I believed I would. Then I couldn't look away as you loomed over me, with your hair spread in all directions, as we kissed for the first time. We were awake the whole night and I have spent so many sleepless nights after that thinking about that face looming over me. When we came back together in train, you were lying on the top berth opposite to mine, your face pointing downwards and supported on your arms as you slept. Your hair was let loose and partially hiding your face. I remember deriving so much pleasure by just looking at you. I stared and stared, my heart filled with countless emotions. At times I wanted to lean over and plant a kiss on your cheek, sometimes I wanted to gently caress your hair, and then I wanted to just keep looking at that innocent face. I did keep looking and I don't remember for how long, must have been hours before I slipped into your dreams. The same feeling has filled my heart so many times, while lying by your side just after we had made love, while riding the metro with you, while you showered your love on all the puppies at the animal shelter. Ofcourse at all these times, your attention must not be towards me and your eyes closed or focussed on some distant thing or memory. Then I become a silent observer, worshiping you with my eyes. Soaking in your innocent look, trying to imagine whats going on in your mind. I wish this is how I go to sleep every night, watching you sleep first. And I want to wake up every morning to the sight of your face lost in your disheveled hair, your body wrapped up in your crumpled pajamas, you waking up with a slight smile on your face. I want to see that smiling face all the time, and I want to feel how lucky I am to have you in my arms.

Now I spend my days missing you all the time. Everything reminds me of you. I am filled with longing for you when I see couples walking hand in hand. Any girl sitting behind a guy on a bike reminds me of the first time you had clung to me on my bike. Dogs bring back memories of that wonderful experience at the animal shelter. Whenever I eat I think about how scared I used to be in ordering anything lest we are unable to finish it and how you lick the plates clean. Traffic jam reminds me of how much you hate cities and that visit to your village. Yesterday an office friend had thrown a party. Most of my friends were there with their spouses. A junior at office got married recently to another colleague, and they were looking so good together, like they belong together. I know we belong together too and I wished you were there with me then to take me away from my loneliness. When will that day come when we will be together forever. When I will be able to see you the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I feel so helpless when I look at my mobile knowing that I cant call you right now. I feel like leaving everything to come meet you. I imagine myself walking through Dhakuri top, all excited to see you. Everyday at office I plan to come and surprise you. I don't know when I am going to see you again. I try to imagine what you would be doing right now. Are you too thinking about me and missing me. Do you also think about running away to come meet me. What scares me is that its been only a week since I last see you, and yet it seems like ages. Even if I could see you right now, staying away from you is part of my life now. It is something I have to learn to live with. Missing you is something I have to learn to deal with always.

Yet I have nothing to complain about. Even when we have known each other for only a few months and even in that we have been away more than we have been together, but already I feel that we share memories of a lifetime. Everytime I think of you so many things come rushing to my head. So many crazy things we did together. So many ways in which you made me feel special. So many emotions that you always manage to raise in my heart. All the times when you went through so much pain to meet me. All the places where we were together, getting closer each time. Pindari, CP, India gate, Dilli Haat, Lodhi Garden, Dehradun, FRI, your hostel, HESCO, Mussorie, Rishikesh, my flat at G Noida, staying at Loharkhet, snowfall at Dhakuri, wonderful time in Kasauni, staying at Kosi, you coming all the way to Uttarkashi, Harsil, Gangotri.. and I am sure I have missed so many others. And how can I forget how we talked for hours at Pindari, how you clung to me on my bike, how we walked for hours at India Gate and CP, sneaking into your hostel room, how you took care of me and took advantage of me after that by luring me into your bed, that first kiss that lasted all night, bunking office to meet you, all the metro rides specially the one from Welcome to Shahdara, you breaking my finger for no fault of mine, sneaking into your hostel for the second time and you taking advantage of me yet again, walking in snow to Dhakuri, sleeping nude in subzero temperature, staying at Khati, making love while the bed creaked, chasing bear, staying with your family at your village, seeing you with Kali, you coming to wake me up with a kiss, making love outdoors, being threatened by your ex, feeding puppies, eating burnt cake..... it has been a hell of a journey so far and we are just beginning. I know its going to be a wild ride all the way with you and I cant wait for what is to come next. And I cant wait to lay my eyes on that beautiful face once more. Yes for me you are the most beautiful girl in the world.

Can't live without you

I don't know how to go on living like this. I don't know how to live without you. Its funny considering that I only met you six months before, and even then I never heard from you till three months. Those three months with you have changed my life. Its surprising how much happened in those three months - we met, came close, fell in love, did all sort of crazy things - a lifetime of memories. And now only the memory remains with me and I am desperately trying to hold on to them. I want to pluck each memory from the fabric of time and keep it somewhere safe, where they wont fade away. I want to take memory of every moment spent with you, frame it with your smile and put it on the walls of my dreams. I want to keep dreaming about you, for the reality is harsh. Reality is that you are not there with me, you are somewhere far off where I cant reach you, and this is the way it has to be for the next few years. next few years - sounds so scary. How do you expect me to go on like this for years, when even a month without you have been so difficult. You have shown me new meaning of life but now I feel lost without you. I need you to come back to let me know that you exist. That you are more than some memories.

Thinking about you...

I have been thinking about you. As a matter of fact I am not sure if I have ever stopped thinking about you ever since I came back. Your laugh, your reassuring words, your craziness, your liveliness keep coming back to haunt me. I keep telling myself that there is no point in remembering you. You are just going to be a figment of my past from now on - with no way of contacting you - no way of ensuring myself that you do really exist and are not the residue of some wild fantasy that I dreamed.

They are saying in the news that the temperature touched negative during the night. I am wondering how cold it is there. You surely must have got up early morning - long before the sun comes up. Dressed in your thermals, a cold wave would have chilled your spine as you sit up. I hope your back is better now. Whats the first thing that you do after getting up. Do you sit for your morning yoga in the dark or you lean from your wooden bed and open the window doors. It would be still dark outside but can you see the snow mountains shining off the early morning light. Is it snowing outside... I know you love the view through that window looking onto the village huts, continuing to the stepped farms with the snow covered mountains in the background. You told me that looking out of your window makes you think about your family and friends that are left behind somewhere far off. Do you also think about me now and wish that I was with you.

Slowly the light will start filling in your room. Your open doors will let everyone know that you are awake. Kheemu would be itching to get into your room or did he sleep with you last night. Oh how I envy that little beast. He simply adores you, as do all the other kids. I often wondered about your relationship with Kheemu whenever I saw you two together. I know you like to think of yourself as his big sister but I see so much motherhood in the way you look at him. Kheemu on the other hand is so protective about you that he acts more like your big brother sworn to defend you from all harm. Or does he think of himself as your boyfriend anxiously waiting to grow up so that he can get married to you :-).

Morning tea... getting dressed... morning chores... bending down through the small door to join everyone for breakfast... everyone circled around the kitchen fire... red light of the burning wood illuminating the mud walls... someone serving you delicious paranthas with mixed pickle... uncle preparing your favorite coffee... little Gautam feeding off his mother or playing with his simple toys...

By now the village is bustling with activity and so is your room. Neema, diwani, draupadi... everyone has surrounded you in anticipation of their teaching classes. They are not here only for the classes but because they love being with you. They can clearly see the love and concern you have for each of them. You are not there with them on an egoistical trip of doing something good for society. You love this whole thing more than they do. You laugh with them, you scold them for not doing their homeworks, you play games with them, you hug them , fight with them, you try to convince them to leave your stuff alone.

After lunch you are beginning to feel the slowness of the surroundings, so you decide to get out a bit. May be to your new found retreat by the river. You absolutely loved that place and I am sure you keep going back to it. I can see you sitting on that rock beside the rushing river - nothing but that lovely sound of gallons of water flowing violently down, an occasional bird call. You close your eyes in meditation letting the calmness of the surrounding seep in. At one point I would have struggled to imagine you in a still state - you are so full of energy always - so bubbly, laughing away, making noises. But you never fail to surprise me as if word impossible wasn't coined for you.