After a couple of unsuccessful relations, with greying hair at the age of 30, I had almost given up on love to come my way. This was India after-all where parents start planning their daughter's marriage the day they are born, and most girls get married right after or sometimes in between their studies. A few efforts at understanding the workings of arranged marriage had also left me convinced that this was not for me either. "How can you be sure that this is the person you want to be with all your life just after spending a few hours together", I asked numerous friends. With no satisfactory answer, I concluded that it was largely a leap of faith, something I was not prepared to take. I had never planned on being alone for life, but I was sure that I would rather be alone that being with the wrong person.
Just as I was preparing to settle alone, I met the one I had been waiting all my life in the most unlikely of places and circumstances. Love hit me as suddenly and as unexpectedly as a road accident. I couldn't believe my good stars, it was as if (picking up from Coelho) the whole universe conspired to make us meet. That unexpected turn off events, led to the best phase of my life. I couldn't be happier, I was walking on clouds. Everytime we met, I fell deeper in love. Each time, I went to saw her with a new excitement in my heart, and each time we parted, left an aching to see her again. And to know that the feeling was mutual, was so intoxicating.
We had a dream wedding. I had never been more sure about anything in my life than the fact that I wanted to marry her. I had always imagined my marriage to be a sorry affair for me, but never have I had a better time, because she was there with me. Never had I any doubt that we were meant to be together for life, we were soul-mates, incomplete without each other. The three months after the wedding were fairy. She was supposed to leave for her field-work and we were so greedy for each other. We wanted to spend as much time possible together, and we were literally lost in each other. Then she had to leave and it was ok, it was a temporary phase in our life that we knew will come. I was sure it was not going to effect our love in any way.
Just a few days back I had a horrifying thought, what if it was not meant to last. The thought rushed upon the floods of fights that we have been having lately. I never believed that we could really fight seriously over anything, we were so compatible, so right for each other. How can we have a disagreement over anything. Yet it seems that we have been fighting all the time for a few weeks. So was I mistaken about our being compatible, was I blinded by love.
I have so often heard about love marriages failing under the burden of heavy expectations. Lovers get married, lost in each other, and soon after marriage they feel things are completely different than before. They feel cheated, often blaming each other that they have changed, they dont love each other anymore. So is it really true, ofcourse not. The problem is that we are so intoxicated by the sensations that comes with new love that we never want to grow out of it. Life is always about change, so why do we want to resist it. Isn't it obvious that our life, relations, circumstances will change after marriage. So will our expression of love for each other. Yet often we hold onto old memories, and keep judging our love based on them.
Its difficult to control your emotions when you suddenly find yourself fighting. You feel hurt. You find yourself saying things that you dont really mean. You blame each other for crimes that you yourself are not convinced about. And if anyone really stops and look back at the reasons over which these fights start, you will get yourself laughing. Yes, grown ups can be such childish at times. In the end, the real reason is soon forgotten, and the fight becomes an ego clash, a test of who will hold on longer, who is stronger, who will surrender first. Yet, we forget that in the process all we are doing is hurting ourself and the person that we love most, all the time feeling miserable and waiting for it to be over.
I am guilty of the same ego clash. Every moment I spend fighting, not talking to her, I feel miserable. I cant think about anything else but trying to analyze why we have been fighting. I dont want to be the one to surrender first, yet every second I hope that this fight will be over soon, so I can be happy again. I want to justify that I was right throughout the fight, when the truth is that there was really no right or wrong. Deep down I know that I love her, and I want to be in her arms again, where I really belong. No way I can even think about a life without her, a single day without her is hell enough. Each moment I spend pretending that I am not talking to her, I am hoping that she will come and tell me how much she loves me. And at night as we lay away from each other, I am just waiting for her to come and hold me. I am sure she feels the same way. So how can we say that we dont love each other. This friend was telling me that if you are fighting it proves that you love each other, that you care about each other, because if you dont then you will let the things be. Ironical isnt it. Well if its true then certainly I hope that we continue loving and fighting, but i seriously want that we stop fighting for such long times, cause I feel cheated of times that I should be spending in her arms.
Just as I was preparing to settle alone, I met the one I had been waiting all my life in the most unlikely of places and circumstances. Love hit me as suddenly and as unexpectedly as a road accident. I couldn't believe my good stars, it was as if (picking up from Coelho) the whole universe conspired to make us meet. That unexpected turn off events, led to the best phase of my life. I couldn't be happier, I was walking on clouds. Everytime we met, I fell deeper in love. Each time, I went to saw her with a new excitement in my heart, and each time we parted, left an aching to see her again. And to know that the feeling was mutual, was so intoxicating.
We had a dream wedding. I had never been more sure about anything in my life than the fact that I wanted to marry her. I had always imagined my marriage to be a sorry affair for me, but never have I had a better time, because she was there with me. Never had I any doubt that we were meant to be together for life, we were soul-mates, incomplete without each other. The three months after the wedding were fairy. She was supposed to leave for her field-work and we were so greedy for each other. We wanted to spend as much time possible together, and we were literally lost in each other. Then she had to leave and it was ok, it was a temporary phase in our life that we knew will come. I was sure it was not going to effect our love in any way.
Just a few days back I had a horrifying thought, what if it was not meant to last. The thought rushed upon the floods of fights that we have been having lately. I never believed that we could really fight seriously over anything, we were so compatible, so right for each other. How can we have a disagreement over anything. Yet it seems that we have been fighting all the time for a few weeks. So was I mistaken about our being compatible, was I blinded by love.
I have so often heard about love marriages failing under the burden of heavy expectations. Lovers get married, lost in each other, and soon after marriage they feel things are completely different than before. They feel cheated, often blaming each other that they have changed, they dont love each other anymore. So is it really true, ofcourse not. The problem is that we are so intoxicated by the sensations that comes with new love that we never want to grow out of it. Life is always about change, so why do we want to resist it. Isn't it obvious that our life, relations, circumstances will change after marriage. So will our expression of love for each other. Yet often we hold onto old memories, and keep judging our love based on them.
Its difficult to control your emotions when you suddenly find yourself fighting. You feel hurt. You find yourself saying things that you dont really mean. You blame each other for crimes that you yourself are not convinced about. And if anyone really stops and look back at the reasons over which these fights start, you will get yourself laughing. Yes, grown ups can be such childish at times. In the end, the real reason is soon forgotten, and the fight becomes an ego clash, a test of who will hold on longer, who is stronger, who will surrender first. Yet, we forget that in the process all we are doing is hurting ourself and the person that we love most, all the time feeling miserable and waiting for it to be over.
I am guilty of the same ego clash. Every moment I spend fighting, not talking to her, I feel miserable. I cant think about anything else but trying to analyze why we have been fighting. I dont want to be the one to surrender first, yet every second I hope that this fight will be over soon, so I can be happy again. I want to justify that I was right throughout the fight, when the truth is that there was really no right or wrong. Deep down I know that I love her, and I want to be in her arms again, where I really belong. No way I can even think about a life without her, a single day without her is hell enough. Each moment I spend pretending that I am not talking to her, I am hoping that she will come and tell me how much she loves me. And at night as we lay away from each other, I am just waiting for her to come and hold me. I am sure she feels the same way. So how can we say that we dont love each other. This friend was telling me that if you are fighting it proves that you love each other, that you care about each other, because if you dont then you will let the things be. Ironical isnt it. Well if its true then certainly I hope that we continue loving and fighting, but i seriously want that we stop fighting for such long times, cause I feel cheated of times that I should be spending in her arms.
